


Maybe the Poison Wasn't the Problem

by lemonthea



Category: AFTER LIFE 소원을 담는 만화경 | AFTER LIFE: The Sacred Kaleidoscope (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Fix-It, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, licht and ghilley are ell's big brothers you can't change my mind, no beta we die like this entire game apparently, the entire 14th dept. is a family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29140122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonthea/pseuds/lemonthea
Summary: When something seems wrong with Ell's long-lasting injury, he's once again forced to rethink his decision to stay with the 14th Department and the accident that led him to make it.Or: I get sad because Afterl!fe isn't coming back and try to simulate some of Ell's possible character development in a one shot.
Relationships: Ell & Ghilley (AFTER LIFE: The Sacred Kaleidoscope), Ell & Licht (AFTER LIFE: The Sacred Kaleidoscope), Ell & Manager (AFTER LIFE: The Sacred Kaleidoscope), No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 4





	Maybe the Poison Wasn't the Problem

**Author's Note:**

> _Why? Why! Why can't angels know love? An angel has to take care of everyone, so why can't an angel know love?_
> 
> _In the face of losing my dream, I only obtained clarity._
> 
> _I will resist the poison in me until it dissipates. Even if it turns my body into dust, I will hold this poison in me. Even if I become a fallen angel, even if the heavens turn their back on me, I will take responsibility._
> 
> Warning: This contains spoilers for Ell's backstory (R: Angelic Prospects), which you can read on the afterlifedocs twitter [here](https://twitter.com/afterlifedocs/status/1336092228838715393) and out of context spoilers for SR: Protector since I'm trying to expand what was established in them.

“Hold still.” Sei’s fingers are freezing. He traces over the scars on Ell’s back and it takes a great amount of effort for him not to just reflexively pull away. “How long has this been going on for?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe-” Ell sneezes again. “A few days?”

Sei sighs at that, not saying anything as he continues his scrutiny.

It really has only been a few days. Seemingly out of the blue, Ell’s entire back had started itching. The sensation was irritating to say the least, even for an angel and unsurprisingly caused more than a few negative thoughts. Eventually, this led to Ell sneezing on and off uncontrollably for hours at a time.

Quincy had been the one to force him to go to Sei about it, complaining about how distracting he had been after they’d been put on patrol together. So here he was, being carefully checked over like an injured child.

“Your wounds were mostly open before, weren’t they?”

“Yes?”

“... Well they seem to be healing now.”

Healing? How can that be possible?

From the moment Ell chose to love, he has been in pain. It had started as a faint buzzing, one that he hadn’t even noticed over the excitement (and fear) of his newfound feelings. But it didn’t take long before the sensation grew into an aching he couldn’t dispel. It had been so long that, in some ways, Ell had become adjusted to it. Of course that was partially due to the fact that, despite everything, his identity as an angel stayed inescapable. God forbid Ell dare forget such a thing. Thoughts of suffering and fear and pain were unnatural to a being dedicated to protecting others unequivocally.

“My wings are going to grow back?” The thought sends a jolt of something unpleasant through Ell’s body. He turns back to look at Sei just in time to see his eyebrows furrow.

“No. In fact at this rate they’ll disappear altogether.”

“Disappear?” Ell echoes.

The wounds left behind by the wings that had allowed him to fall refuse to close, never bleeding and yet never beginning to fade. A constant reminder of the deep sin he had committed. Loving is wrong and yet he had chosen it over his true duty as a guardian. What would it mean if that reminder just vanished?

Even when he had been offered the opportunity to have them healed, Ell had refused. He deserves the pain and he deserves for it to last. After all that time, he’d never expected them to close on their own anyway.

“Ell, listen,” Sei walks around the side of the bed in order to face him directly. “I don’t know the details, but Nyang Lead Manager told me that you fell because you were poisoned and refused the antidote. If you drink it now, this might stop. It’s possible that your wings could grow back, too, although they’ll never be the same as they were before you fell.”

_But if he drinks the antidote, he’ll lose his feelings. That was why he was here to begin with. He couldn’t do that, could he?_

“What would happen if I didn’t?”

“I can’t imagine you’d be able to keep your powers as an angel. You wouldn’t be able to perform miracles anymore.”

“I don’t…” Whenever Ell sees the Manager, he’s once again reminded of how distraught he had been when asked to give up his feelings. He’s reminded of the _love_ that he felt, a warm safety he had never experienced until his eyes met hers for the first time. Giving that up is terrifying.

But if he doesn’t, he would lose the ability to protect her. On his own, he can’t do anything. Is that love really more important than keeping the Manager safe? Ell’s role is still that of a guardian, after all. If he can’t protect her then everything up until now will have all been for nothing.

“Is there really no other way?” Ell sneezes again. “Is drinking the antidote the only thing I can do to stop this?” Without him meaning to, Ell raises his voice far more than usual. Sei cocks an eyebrow in apparent surprise but nods, seemingly not too fazed.

“There may be another way, but we can’t guarantee that we’ll find it before it’s too late. You have very little time as it is, Ell.” For a moment, Sei just watches him, perhaps trying to gauge his reaction. “If you change your mind, tell Nyang Lead Manager and he’ll be able to get it for you, but I won’t question your decision.”

“Okay.” If he can’t love and be a guardian, then he shouldn’t love. Anything else would be selfish, and Ell doesn’t know how he would live with himself if he refused such an obvious choice. But he still doesn’t accept the antidote.

* * *

“Was Housemaster Sei able to help? What did he say?” Ell had expected to just go to bed when he returned to the Mane dorm but Licht and Ghilley were waiting for him, Ghilley bombarding him with questions as soon as he entered the room.

Ell is reminded of the felt dolls he makes. He begins with unwoven fibres that can barely cling to one another. Any strays that try to escape the surface are pushed back in with a needle. Eventually, the tangled mess of fibres become a recognisable and far more loveable shape. And so he does the same thing with his feelings. His stray fears and worries, all of which are unnecessary, are collapsed back in on each other until there he is: Angel Ell, a good guardian without any needs of his own.

“It’s okay, I think we know how to fix it. He said Nyang Lead Manager is going to get something that can help but it might take a while.”

“What was wrong to begin with?” Ghilley presses a little more. Unsure of what else to do, Ell opts to just give as vague details as he can.

“It’s complicated. Since I’m a fallen angel, my wings fell apart but I think part of them was always still there? And- achew! And it’s just acting up for some reason. It doesn’t matter, it’ll be okay.” He tacks on, trying to feign optimism.

“I don’t want to push you, but can I ask why you fell to begin with? I want to help you but I don’t completely understand.” Instead of backing down, Licht joins in too. His expression is so gentle and Ghilley looks so encouraging that Ell doesn’t know how to respond at first. He shouldn’t. It’s bad enough that even Nyang Lead Manager knows. But he feels so _safe_ with Licht and Ghilley and he can’t help wishing he could tell them the truth.

“I can’t.” He swallows. “Even if I wanted to. It’s part of it.” But today is the closest he has gotten to wanting to tell someone what really had happened to him. Sure, he’s always wanted to tell the Manager how he really feels, but that’s always out of reach.

“Oh. That must be awful. Darling, you’ve been dealing with whatever this is all by yourself for a long time, haven’t you?” As he speaks, Licht puts a hand on Ell’s shoulder. The gesture makes him feel grounded.

“Well, yes, but I don’t mind. You- you don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it.”

“No matter what you’ve done, you don’t deserve to be in pain like that.” Ghilley interrupts softly.

Is that really true though? No matter which way you frame it, Ell’s decision had been blasphemy and a sin. He didn’t regret his decision at all but he knew it had been wrong. Surely the pain is the price he has to pay for it.

“Ell, nobody here believes you should suffer.” At that, Ell’s head snaps up. Licht smiles warmly and continues. “You know Ghilley and I love you. And you know Jamie loves you and I’m sure if you asked anyone else in the department they’d say the same.”

“Quincy might not.” Ghilley chimes in and Licht giggles.

“Well, no, but he’s just being shy. We’re a family here and all of us care about each other even if we don’t always say it out loud, don’t we?” _A family?_ Ghilley nods in agreement.

“Don’t you feel the same?”

“I haven’t thought about it before.” That much is true. All Ell has even let himself consider are his feelings for the manager, yet when Licht and Ghilley spoke of being a family, something felt right. He wants to agree with them. He wants to say that he feels the same because being loved in a family and being able to love them back was everything he could possibly have asked for, but understanding how he really feels is so hard.

Falling from grace feels like something that somehow happened both millennia ago and only just yesterday. The pain and determination Ell had felt at the time remain just as vivid as they had been back then, but he also feels equally as naive. He had thought that embracing his newfound feelings would be easy, but he can’t make sense of them at all. No matter what, Ell wants to try; he wants to learn how to love and to care for others like those around him do, yet he’s also afraid that he’s gotten it wrong and there isn’t really a way at all.

And at times like this, doubt seeps in through the cracks in his resolve. Can he really protect anyone like this? Is it worth holding on to his feelings when he knows they’re fake? Especially now. If he loses his ability to create miracles, what will Ell really have left? He wants to experience love. He wants to really, truly be able to care for people. But he can’t bear being unable to protect them either.

“If you had two choices and both of them meant you would lose something important to you, how would you choose?” He blurts out, managing to hold in another sneeze. Licht looks stunned at the outburst, but Ghilley nods, as if understanding somehow.

“I don’t think either of us can give you an answer to that. I don’t think anyone can. But you know that, don’t you? As much as we support you, you’ll have to figure this out yourself.”

“I wish there were a way though.” Licht looks genuinely hurt by this, voice oddly quiet as he squeezes Ell’s shoulder.

“I know, Li. I’m sorry, Ell. We both do.”

Seeing both Licht and Ghilley seem so genuinely worried is off putting to say the least. Ell quickly tries to figure out a way to backtrack, wishing he could start this whole conversation over again. How could he be so selfish as to worry them?

“It’s okay. I’ll figure it ou- achew!”

“It’s not okay.” Licht sounds even more upset at that, his voice still quiet but starting to get a little higher. He’s clearly trying to suppress it but Ell is so used to his usual voice that it’s still distinct. “It’s not okay at all. Darling, you’re only sixteen. You shouldn’t have to cope with everything on your own when you have us here, but you do it anyway. You always keep things inside and I’m scared for you. I used to do the same and trust me when I say that it won’t end well.” Trying to be gentle, Licht reaches his other hand around and twists Ell’s body so that they’re facing, his hands resting on both of his shoulders now.

“I know there’s not much else you can do when you’re not able to tell us what happened, but when something comes up that you can talk about I want you to trust us.

“It’s like I just said. We love you and you don’t deserve to suffer.”

“I’m not. I’m not suffering.”

“Keeping your feelings to yourself like this _is_ suffering, darling.”

Even as he spoke with Licht and Ghilley, his head had begun to throb with the looming threat of another fever. Every time Ell tried to consider what he really wanted, how he could move forward aside from joining the 14th Department, he risked making himself sick again. It was as if his own body wanted to forget and suffocate how he truly felt.

“I don’t know what to do.” He gasps, as everything spins around him.

“Hey,” Licht pulls his attention back to them again. “You’ll be alright, darling, don’t push yourself too hard.”

The three of them stay like that for a little while longer, but Licht seems to eventually sense that there’s not much more they can do.

“Maybe we should just wait and see what happens for now. I’m just worried that you won’t make the decision that’s really best for you.”

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.” Ell’s response doesn’t seem to comfort Licht at all as he keeps frowning but he’s still the one to leave first. Ghilley doesn’t follow straight away.

“Ell.” He jumps at that. “Can I hug you?”

Ell has a hard time understanding Ghilley, so as he looks at him now, he has no idea what he’s thinking. He sounds uncharacteristically sincere so Ell nods yes, though a little confused.

And suddenly, Ghilley pulls Ell against him, tightly, wrapping his arms around him. Ell’s own arms are trapped awkwardly by his sides and he thinks that, had this been anyone else, it would feel suffocating. Instead, though, he focuses on the warmth that seeps from Ghilley’s body into his own and, even though he isn’t saying anything, it gives Ell a very similar feeling to Licht’s words earlier on.

Ghilley holds him like he’s afraid to let go. Like if he doesn’t keep both arms around him like this, Ell is going to disappear and never come back. And the gesture is so intimate for someone who usually lets on very little that Ell doesn’t know how to react. He just stands there allowing Ghilley to embrace him while he can’t do anything in return.

Ell doesn’t cry when he goes back to his room that night, but something aches in the back of his throat.

* * *

It turns out that Nyang Lead Manager doesn’t have too hard of a time acquiring an antidote at all because it’s that morning after breakfast that he pulls Ell aside.

“I’m going to give this to you now, but I don’t want you to make a decision until you have your own space meow. Just tell me what you chose to do as soon as you can.” He hands Ell a small metal canister.

“Thank you, Nyang Lead Manager.”

“I’ll back whichever decision you make because I trust you, okay meow?” Ell nods, feeling the strange metal warm up as it absorbs heat from his fingers.

The Lead Manager was the only person in the department who had even the slightest idea of what had happened to Ell. He’d never had much of a problem with Ell becoming a soul reaper, and he had promised not to ask too many questions, but one day he’d carefully asked:

“Does this have something to do with love meow?” Ell had been so shocked that he couldn’t speak at first. “I’m only asking because it was the only reason I could think of and I’m curious; don’t feel pressured to answer meow. It’s just that even I know that an angel that discovers love will fall.”

Ell had rolled around many different explanations around on his tongue, unable to give any of them. Instead, he had just nodded yes.

Nyang Lead Manager seemed to have understood something, but he hadn’t said anything else. Did he really figure out what had happened just from that? Or had he sensed that it was something he couldn’t really ask? Ell is too afraid to check, but as he rolls the vial across his desk, he wonders if he should be worrying if it’s the right one.

It doesn’t matter though, does it? He can’t really do it.

To keep his ability to protect, Ell should suck up his feelings and accept his second chance. But…

_“I do not want to live as a child, not knowing this emotion.”_

Selfishly, he wants to hold on to that feeling of love no matter what. He can’t picture becoming a guardian angel without knowing what it’s like to care for others and being able to keep that feeling with him. Even if it isn’t real. Even though it hurts him. Even if one day that poison might take over and destroy his body entirely, he can’t imagine living without it anymore.

He wonders about what Licht had said about the rest of the department, too. Ell isn’t sure if he can consider them family yet, no matter how much he wants to. Can he be capable of that one day too?

He sighs and places the antidote down. There’s no way he could ever willingly choose to take it.

* * *

The next morning, Ell wakes up to his back in so much pain that he can barely move. He vaguely registers Jamie asking if he’s okay and he thinks he replies but he isn’t too sure; a fever is accompanying the pain and he can’t think straight.

The rest of the day is hazy. Jamie must have gone to Sei for help because he had come in next, checking his temperature and saying something that Ell couldn’t understand before shaking his head.

Other than that, only members of Mane came in and out of the room every now and then to check on him. He could vaguely register Licht brushing his hair out of his face and Jamie bringing him glasses of water. Ghilley just sat and watched him in silence for a while.

Ell was forced to spend another day in bed before he finally felt himself again, but when he wakes up the next morning, his fever is completely gone. At least, he assumes it’s morning. Jaime isn’t there, but it’s not unusual for him to be ready far before Ell anyway.

There’s a note waiting for him on his bedside table:

_“Hey Ell,_

_Sei wouldn’t let me check on you in case I made something worse, but I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t worried so I’ve asked Ghilley to leave this in your room for you when I’m finished with it. You always seem so busy looking after others so I hope you’re putting yourself first right now so you can get better, even if everyone misses their class leader :3._

_I know you only just got ill out of nowhere, but I still feel a little responsible for not paying more attention as your Manager. Nyang Lead Manager just told me that something is going on, but he said only you can give me details. If you feel comfortable, maybe we can talk about it later?_

_See you soon <3_

_~ Manager”_

_She’s so sweet_ , Ell thinks to himself as he folds the letter back up and puts it back onto the table. For a moment, the familiar warmth coupled with butterflies in his stomach he’s used to getting around her return. He’s made the right choice, he’s sure of it.

"How are you feeling?" Sei asks when Ell enters his office.

"Better, I think? I don't feel sick anymore."

"Well that's good to hear. What about your wound, though?" In all honesty, Ell had been so busy thinking about the antidote that he hadn't even thought about the reason he'd been told to take it in the first place.

"Well," _Well, what?_ Now that Ell really focuses on it, he can't feel anything at all. The pain that had been a part of his life for such a long time is... gone. When was the last time he hadn't felt that aching? "It doesn't hurt." He says dumbly.

Sei asks if he can take a look again and Ell nods, but he barely hears him. He'd thought he would suffer forever, that he was _meant_ to because he'd made such a selfish choice and yet now the pain is gone?

Next thing Ell knows, he's talking to Nyang Lead Manager again.

“So it’s over meow?”

“I hope so. I just don’t understand why it happened in the first place. I don’t think I did anything to cause it.”

“To be honest I was thinking about that meow. Even I don’t know a lot about the Celestial Realm, but I’ve met more than enough Soul Reapers. It’s different from your situation but I’ve met many of them that had sustained pretty bad injuries while they were alive and what happened when they joined the department tended to vary. Some of them healed but some of their injuries just stayed for a while meow.

“Part of being a Soul Reaper is coming to terms with your past life. Physical injuries are often a part of the struggle a reaper might have gone through, and how that’s involved in your journey isn’t the same for everyone. Some reapers need their injuries to heal right away before they can start to move forward, while others need to process other things first.”

“But what does that have to do with my wings completely disappearing like that?”

“I said it was different for a reason. What do you think I meant meow?”

Ell is confused to say the least. Of course he had an injury but healing has never been part of the equation in his case. And is that supposed to connect to moving forward? He’s always just thought that the pain was a part of being allowed to love as he wanted to but now it was gone and his feelings were still there.

Nyang Lead Manager must have realised how lost Ell is because he shakes his head and asks:

“What do your wings mean to you, Ell?”

They reminded him that he’s still a fallen angel. That his actions had been wrong. That he’s never allowed to go back to the Celestial Realm even though he’s supposed to belong there.

“And is whatever it is still important to you?”

“I don’t know…” Does it really matter if Ell has been making the wrong choice all along? He’s happy to live with it now, isn’t he? And he doesn’t want to go back to the Celestial Realm even if it were possible now. The 14th Department is his home. “I don’t think so.”

“Then it should make sense to you meow.” It doesn’t really. Not completely.

“By the way,” Nyang Lead Manager continues, “I’m sorry the antidote didn’t help you but I still think it was better for you to take it meow.”

“Sorry, what do you mean?” _He hadn’t taken it, though._

“To be honest, I’ve been worried about you for a while but I didn’t want to make it worse by pointing it out. Especially since I didn’t know the full story, but poison is still poison even if you think it’s good for you meow. I’m sorry I didn’t figure out a way to give it to you earlier though. It’s my job as one of your guardians to protect you and I don’t think avoiding the issue counted as that meow.”

There was that word again. _Protect_.

Nyang Lead Manager seemed really convinced that Ell had taken the antidote. Instead of trying to correct him and make the situation even more, Ell awkwardly played along.

“Are you sure the poison is definitely gone already? I’m not sure-”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, meow. It’s definitely worked by now. You seem completely different already to me.” _… What?_ “Is there anything else you wanted to ask me or are you okay for now meow?”

“...” To tell the truth, there was one more thing he wanted to ask, even though it was more than a little scary. “Now that I’ve lost my ability to create miracles, how can I still protect the people I care about?”

“I don’t know. But I do know that your kaleidoscope is nowhere near full so you’ve got a lot of time to work that out meow. You’re clever, Ell.”

* * *

Ell trusts Nyang Lead Manager’s judgement. But that must mean the poison is gone too and that doesn’t make sense, does it? He’d felt the same as usual when he’d read the note the Manager had left for him that morning. Everything else felt the same, too. The world around him still felt vivid and clear.

So what could possibly have happened? He thought back to the words he had heard from God before he had been banished to the Otherworld.

“ _It’s a feeling that is capricious. One day it could disappoint or disappear._ ”

Ell had assumed that the poison would someday kill him, yet he’s still here. So instead...

It must have faded. Betrayed him, Ell supposes, exactly as he’d been warned it could. And that meant… what, exactly?

Ell has always known the poison was fake. Of course he has. Yet he had still clung to the fabricated adoration the arrow had inflicted onto him. He hadn’t been able to help it; it had been the first time he had ever loved someone and if he had let go he would never be able to experience it again. It was all he had.

But is that the same now? Ell turns his kaleidoscope over in his hands, feeling the grooves and ridges under his skin. When he had first come to the reaper’s department, his only real plan had been to stay with the Manager. He hadn’t even had a wish. And yet, he had gotten so much more than he’d even knew he wanted.

“Ell!” He turns and… Oh. Oh no. It’s her. The Manager smiles when she realises she’s caught his attention and rushes over. “Hey, how are you doing?” Ell is a horrible liar and he knows that but he still plasters a smile onto his face.

“I’m much better, Miss Manager. Housemaster Sei and Nyang Lead Manager helped me fix everything.”

It’s only then that Ell really notices: although the feelings are very much still there, something does seem different. Instead of scorching his insides unbearably, the love he has for her just sits in his chest, pleasantly warm.

“Miss Manager, I…” The mess of emotions Ell has been trying to untangle over the past few days feel immediately more apparent as he talks to the Manager. After all, she was the one who had started all of this. She’s the one who taught him love in the first place, even if those feelings are apparently gone and for that he’ll never be able to repay her. He wants to cry.

She seems not to notice as she rambles in a panicky tone he’s used to her using on other reapers.

“Ell, I’m so glad you’re okay! Sei and Nyang Lead Manager really wouldn’t tell me anything and the other members of Mane seemed so worried... ” If that love is gone, how come Ell feels like this?

Unless… unless these are feelings that don’t need to come with a poison.

She’s still talking and he hears her say: “Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Licht, Ghilley or Jamie so serious. It was kind of funny actually…”

If his feelings aren’t poison-inflicted, then they _must_ be real. Ell must be loving all on his own. He doesn’t understand how, but there are so many other things he doesn’t understand that he almost isn’t surprised. It doesn’t even really matter to him.

“I think everything’s okay now, Miss Manager.” Ell means it now, too, and his voice cracks as he says it.

The Manager’s hugs are completely different to Ghilley’s. She doesn’t ask but her hold on him is looser, giving him the space to circle his own arms around her back in response, so that’s exactly what he does. Maybe it’s because she actively wants him to reciprocate, or at least feels safe in hoping for it.

“I love you, okay?”

Ell can hear her heartbeat along with his own. Maybe to her, saying it comes easily. He’s sure she’s said it to other reapers before, to her brothers, maybe to

But for the first time he can ever truly remember, even before he had been banished, Ell is able to say the words he’s always yearned to: “I love you too.”

And it has nothing to do with poison-tipped arrows and artificial feelings because, this time, the love is _real_. Although it isn’t what his past self would have thought he wanted, Ell couldn’t be happier. Instead of having to live with the aching of something unrequited, he’s learned to love without the need to hold onto something fake. And that, more than anything, is like a wish come true for him.

These aren’t the feelings he had begun his journey with. They’re _more_. These are the feelings that have ignited not because of chance but because he has truly come to know someone and care for them all on his own. He may have originally fallen in love with the Manager because she had just happened to be the first person he’d seen, but now he knows that he loves her due to something much stronger.

Maybe the pain was always going to be temporary after all.

* * *

It’s only fair for Ell to apologise for the worry he had caused and he opts to start by tracking down the rest of his team. As usual, Jamie is nowhere to be found but he finds Licht and Ghilley in the dorm room once again.

“I’m okay.” He breathes out before either can get a word in. They both seem immediately relieved, although that doesn’t stop them from asking questions just as they did before. Once they’re really sure he isn’t sick anymore, the conversation trails off into silence.

“What happened with your wings in the end, then?” Somehow, Ghilley almost seems like he already knows.

“They’re, uh… gone completely now. I mean, they already were, but it’s different this time. Housemaster Sei told me that I can’t use my powers anymore, even though I’ll always technically be a fallen angel.”

“Is losing your powers… a good thing?” Licht asks cautiously.

“Mhm sort of. I’ll have to do things my own way now.”

“So…” As if words have failed him, Licht just trails off just as Ghilley’s lips twitch and he starts laughing.

“Ufufufufu, I really thought I’d seen it all.” At the sound of Ghilley’s laughter, Licht’s face softens.

“I don’t really understand, but good for you, darling. You look happy.”

Ell still doesn’t understand his own feelings and he’s not sure when he will, but he does know that this is what he wants too. Maybe it’ll take a little while, but he wants to feel the same way about Licht and Ghilley as they do towards him. One day, Ell wants to be able to say that he’s a part of a family as easily as Licht did and actually feel it in his _heart,_ because now he knows that he really can, all on his own.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feelings on Ell's arc and it was difficult to try and fit them all into a one-shot like this but I hope I managed to convey at least some of them with this. Thanks for sticking around!


End file.
